Picking my brain... and other gross habits...

Barf CITY

2004-11-14T17:00:00.000-08:00

The nausea has turned into all-out puking now. I'm REALLY not that concerned at all about miscarriage at this point. The dry heaving turned into a morning puke and nausea for the rest of the day, and now the throwing up has gotten more constant and lasting more into the day. My phobia of going to public places is back, I remember it now from when I was pregnant with my boys. I remember now why I said I was never going to have another baby. BUT I also remember what it's like to desperately want one.

A better morning :)

2004-11-10T09:55:00.000-08:00

I got up in the middle of the night and drank a glass of juice and that really seemed to have helped my morning. While I had a few mild waves of nausea, I've been keeping everything down so far. I know I haven't even reached the point where I started to get sick with the other two so I'm not kidding myself and thinking I'm escaping it, but today's been a nice reprieve. I've also got the killer head cold from hell that I ALWAYS get during pregnancy too. Oh well. Only eight more months, right? I'm so glad I saw the little squirt onscreen last night. I'll write about that in just a sec...

Today I've started on my English project (finally!). Poor Kyle forgot his glasses because we were running late for school this morning. So I went home and got them for him. When I walked into his classroom to take them to him, he looked at me with such love. I don't think he thought I'd really go all the way home and bring them back. He's such a good boy when he feels accepted and loved.

Anywho, last night. WHAT a night it was. I'd met Jake at our friends cyber cafe where he likes to hang out sometimes. He had gone to get Kyle from school and gone there. By the time I'd gotten there, Kyle was done with his homework, so that was a nice break for me. We had dinner at Quiznos and spent time together as a family. It was a nice way to pass the time.

Finally, I went to the dr's office. I was quite early but it was nice to sit and vegetate alone. I gathered my thoughts and strength just in case the news wasn't necessarily good. I'd read online that 5 1/2 weeks is really iffy when it comes to ultrasounds... It's good to see a sac and fetal pole, but most of the time there's no heartbeat onscreen because it's so tiny. So I wasn't really excited to see much onscreen and I was really kind of wondering why I was even getting the thing done if there wasn't going to be much to see. But that was just my overactive, cynical pregnant mind running amuck.

There was THE most annoying redneck family ahead of me. They couldn't stop going outside to smoke and they had bad smokers' coughs and just couldn't stop laughing. It really REALLY bothered me. Their daughter/sister/wife's ultrasound took forever too, so that made me feel more pissy.

Finally, they were gone and it was my turn! YAY!

I went back and immediately told the tech, "I'm only 5 1/2 weeks, I don't think you'll see much!". I laid down on the table and she put the gel on my tummy and looked around. We immediately saw a big old blob. She explained that was the corpus luteum, which is actually an ovarian cyst that grows during pregnancy to provide the growing baby with nutrients, etc, until the placenta takes over in the second trimester. Interesting indeed.

Then she scooted the thing over and we saw a tiny little black blob. That was the sac! YAY! Charlotte, the tech, told me to go to the bathroom and come back and we'd do an internal u/s to get a closer look at the baby. BONUS!

So I did so, and we got going on that, and immediately saw a little pulsation in the middle of the blob. It was the sweetest little wiggly blob I've ever seen. :) She did the measurements, etc, and said little sweetpea is a day ahead of schedule, making my due date July 8 now. RAH! I can hope for a June baby for sure!

I'm excited and relieved. I know that I'm not out of the woods till this baby is out of me, but seeing a heartbeat is a huge milestone in any pregnancy, and I'm counting my blessings for being able to see it so early.

Morning Sickness!

2004-11-09T05:57:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling nauseated x 1000 for days now, and today was the first time I actually threw up. I welcomed it though, I'm not gonna complain a bit. I know it's a very good sign that I might actually stay pregnant this time. :)

Logan had come to lie down with me, and he was snuggling up really close like he always does, and WHAMMO, I had to get to the bathroom quickly. I woke up twice during the night with severe waves of nausea, so I'm not surprised all that much.

This evening at 7:30pm ET, I have my first ultrasound. I'm pretty confident everything will be fine after the symptoms I've shown. My mother told me that with all but one of her miscarriages she had NO pregnancy symptoms at all, so this all makes her feel better. The one that she did have symptoms with was a little boy she carried to nearly 20 weeks. They never really figured out what happened with him though. :( Very sad.

Today is my little sister's 21st birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHANIE!

Feeling wonderfully horrible

2004-11-06T06:14:00.000-08:00

While I haven't thrown up or had full blown nausea yet, I've noticed I have to get out of bed very slowly or I get that lump in my throat that indicates I may toss my cookies. Let's cross our fingers and hope this is a good indicator. The phantom pee is still going on too. Each day, I gain a little more confidence in this pregnancy, because each day my symptoms get a little more intense. Alot of people would laugh that I'm welcoming this, but it means something right is finally going on with my old body, and that is exactly what I want.

2004-11-05T16:24:00.000-08:00

My emotions are all over the place. I suppose this should make me feel good: a good sign of pregnancy. I fell asleep twice today in deep sleeps with twitches and dreams and everything. I can't stop peeing and I'm feeling twinges that there is activity in my abdomen.

However, I'm still terrified.

The mornings are the best. I wake up, thrilled I've made it another day on the gestation ticker. But as the day goes on, the trips to the bathroom to check for blood wear on me... The cautious tones of loved ones when they regard this pregnancy plague me. No more happy-go-lucky comments about "How's the little one?" or anything like I experienced with the boys. Instead, if they say anything it's with fear in their voice that only transcends to me. The dr didn't give me my "New Mommy Packet" at my first prenatal appt either... Just a "Come back on Tuesday for an ultrasound to take a look to see if anything is there...". *sigh*

I lost a child 5 months ago. Of course it was only a half inch long, but it was mine. Now I've got another chance at that child and I'm doing my best not to freak and scream and cry every second, worried that history will repeat itself. Every twinge I feel, no matter how normal I logically know it is, is the beginning of another miscarriage to me. I constantly poke my poor boobs to see if they're still sensitive. Oddly, I pray for the day I wake up and run to the bathroom to puke. It can't get here soon enough.

I've gone ahead and prepared myself for the worst. I don't want that room-spinning, mind-numbing experience I had with the miscarriage when I saw blood. This may seem negative and sinister, but it's the only way I can survive... and each bloodless bathroom experience is a true miracle to me that I don't take for granted.

I have all sorts of logic and hormone levels and a closed cervix to reassure me... But I really don't think I'm going to feel any sort of relief until this baby is out of me, healthy and screaming, and in my arms.

2004-11-05T12:50:00.000-08:00

Everything went fine at the dr yesterday. He was wise and said we'd put an u/s off till Tuesday because while he THINKS there would be something to see on u/s, he would be afraid to take that gamble. He said if by some reason it was just a bit too early to see something, it would make me worry even more. So I'm happy he didn't provide me with any more stress than I already have. He took at look at my cervix and said it's nice and closed and shows no sign of bleeding. We're doing another progesterone check at my appt next week. So that's that. He said as of right now, everything is looking good. Just hearing the dr say that eased my fears SO much. I'll be 5 weeks tomorrow and each week is a milestone to me!

Last night, I finally slept. My nerves have been keeping me up at night, and the dr's confidence in the pregnancy so far calmed me SO much that I slept like a DEAD woman. Logan got me up a little past normal time and it was so hard to get up. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I'm ok now though.

I'm taking Kyle to school this morning and then Logan and I are making a Target run. Brianna comes later this morning too.I was reading in one of my books that earlier this week, my baby got a heartbeat! Too tiny to see on u/s, of course, but it's there. How fun is that. I feel like this is the first time I've ever been pregnant.

We're going to go ahead and tell Jake's parents this weekend. The family is getting together for my baby niece, Abigail's, blessing at church. I didn't want to steal Abigail's thunder, but her mom wants us to tell so bad, probably because she doesn't want to keep the secret any longer than she has to. I went ahead and told her because I'd been keeping her updated on the fertility testing, etc.

I have to pee so much and when I go, hardly anything comes out. I thought I'd lie down on the couch and rest while Logan and Brianna played. I ended up falling asleep for nearly an hour! I hope all these are just great signs that everything is progressing well with this pregnancy. I'm dreading the ultrasound on Tuesday, but if it'll give me peace of mind of some sort, bring it on!

More of the update...

2004-11-03T06:36:00.000-08:00

So, I'm still pregnant. I passed the point I miscarried so that was a huge sigh of relief. Every time I go to the bathroom and there's no blood, it's a victory. Needless to say, I'm nervous, but when I pray, I get a sense of peace. So I know I'm not alone.

My other diary is being a pill and won't pull up... So I'm just going to have to update what happened on Monday AGAIN. It's ok though, because it was a joyful surprise.

Since we'd started the fertility testing the week before, I was totally in the mode of getting Jake's SA test done, etc, so we could move on to my HSG to check for blockages in my tubes. That, along with Kyle's Halloween social life, really distracted me. Since I'd started my previous cycle in the middle of the night, I wasn't EXACTLY sure whether to expect this month's on Saturday or Sunday... Or Friday if I had a 27 day cycle again. So it was all questionable. I knew from charting my bbt that I'd ovulated on October 16, so that was extremely helpful.

Well, my cycle never came. On Sunday morning I was totally expecting it because my boobs were sore and I was cramping like a beast. But nope. Nothing. My friends on the TTC boards were telling me to get a test and see what happened, but from getting false faint positives in the past, I was wary. Plus it was Sunday, and I didn't want to offend God. Not at that critical point. ;) We did our Primary Program, which distracted me quite well (lol) and then I went home and slept the afternoon away, assuming it was exhaustion from the program.

Monday morning. Still nothing. I took Kyle to school and went to the nearby Walmart. I had to get a few things and grabbed a pack of hpt too. What the heck at that point. I was 16 dpo. Logan and I checked out and I was going to head home, but the extreme urge to pee hit me so we went potty in Walmart. We squished into a little stall together and I did my thing. The bathroom was dim, but even with the poor lighting, the second line came up immediately. In fact, it used almost all of the dye so the control line was hardly there. AWESOME sign for sure. I laughed giddily the whole way back out to the van and got Logan into his carseat and called Jake. He was cautiously excited at that point, knowing we'd gotten positive tests before and it be false. But I told him how dark it was this time and he sounded a bit more hopeful.

I went straight to the dr. I knew Monday is a busy day at my obgyn, but he told me after the second miscarriage to haul my butt right in as soon as I get any positive hpt so we can run a blood beta test and progesterone levels. So that is what I did.

I bypassed the waiting room and receptionist and went straight back to the lab area where Dee was. Dee is the tech who weighs ya, does blood pressure, and takes your urine and blood samples. In the past, I've not been too thrilled by Dee's attitude because she seemed less than supportive of me. I feel badly now for thinking bad thoughts about her, because she was so nice this time. I showed her my test and she said for me to go to the potty and get her a sample so she could run one too. I had very little pee left :), but I got out some. She ran the test. I walked over as she read the results. TWO BEAUTIFUL DARK LINES! I yelled, "Praise God!" (I'm southern and don't hide it) and she said "Can we dance now?" and started to do a dance of joy. Bless her heart.

The dr's office worked me right in, bless THEIR hearts because they were busy. The dr came in and said "Well I didn't expect to see you in here again this soon!". He went on to say, "The first thing I thought when I saw this is that your husband is going to kill me because he had to have his testing done...". I told him Jake hadn't even done it yet because we were going to make sure this cycle was a bust before he did it. The dr told me we'd run the bloodwork, see how it looked, and continue to do so until my hcg levels reach 2000 and then we'll start regular ultrasounds to keep an eye on my little baby. :D

So Dee, my new best friend, took my blood. Logan thought it was fascinating. The whole time I'd been talking to the dr, he'd been sticking chewing gum in his mouth that he'd gotten out of my bag. I pulled the big old wad out and was amazed he hadn't choked on it. Little weirdo. He was energetic to say the least, but it was an unexpected trip to the dr on the day after Halloween, what else should I expect?

Anyway, that was that for Monday pretty much.

On Tuesday, yesterday, I got my results from my bloodwork. My hcg (pregnancy hormone) level was THROUGH the roof! The average for 16 dpo is 200 or so. Mine was 1672! My progesterone was slightly low at 16, but the dr seems ok with it. I go back to see him tomorrow and I'm going to see if he'll put me on some supplements just to make me feel better mentally. I have an ultrasound next Tuesday as well. I don't know how much they'll see given I'll only be 5 1/2 weeks along, but we'll see.

I'm excited and a bundle of nerves at the same time. I'm taking every prayer I can get, so anyone reading this, PLEASE say a prayer for me and the little one! THANK YOU!

BIG UPDATE!

2004-11-01T12:09:00.000-08:00

I'm pregnant! I've been keeping up on my diary elsewhere that I need to copy on here. That's all I have time to put right now, but needless to say, we're very thrilled.

2004-10-26T13:30:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the dr to check my progesterone test results from Friday. He walked in and said "Congratulations! You ovulated!". He showed me the page and my cd20 level was 20.3. He was pretty happy with that!

I went ahead and had Dee the lab tech do a pregnancy test on me. Since she didn't tell me one way or the other, I'm assuming it was negative. Oh well. Here's to next month!

ANYWHO, the next step is getting Jake a SA. I was totally freaking out because I, being the genteel southern Belle I am , do NOT want my husband getting off to a magazine in a dr's office to get a sample. I was practically in tears about it, but when I got home, I called the lab and they'll let us do it at home. Phew. I know lots of women have had this option, but I figured I wouldn't be that lucky.

So I guess we'll do that pretty soon. He has a long week at work starting tomorrow night so I'm thinking it'll have to be after that. Maybe I'll get lucky though .If all that comes back ok, the dr said we can do the hsg. He said that he has had alot of women undergo that procedure and that very month get their . He said opening up the tubes makes it that much easier to help things along. I hope that since I don't seem to have any serious problems, that's all it'll take to knock things into gear.

I'm just now sitting down from my errands and realizing that the progesterone results hopefully show that I don't have anything TOO wrong with me. I guess there's always the chance that they can find something wrong during the hsg. But there's great peace in knowing that I ovulated well. I was really wondering cuz my chart this month is looking kinda funky. But I guess that doesn't always show a good O or not, I'm living proof of that now.

Anywho, back to cleaning my cruddy house. What an interesting day indeed!

The calm before the storm...

2004-10-26T05:53:00.000-07:00

Besides a few annoyances, life has been pretty calm lately. It's about to be quite busy with Halloween parties and the like. Today I have my dr appt to see how the old progesterone looks. My temps are kinda funky this month so I'm interested to see how that goes. I guess if it looks good, Jake will have his test done. FUN! I hope I get to help. ;)

My kids are growing up so fast, I'm making it a point to spend as much time with them as I can because life is going QUICKLY. Just yesterday they were babies, and now Kyle's reading and doing math and Logan is starting to learn to read too. WHERE does the time go?

2004-10-25T11:55:00.000-07:00

My stomach is still crampy every time I eat. I skipped out on the gym today because I didn't want to push my body too hard. I have a voracious appetite, but every time I eat, I start to cramp pretty badly... so YUCK!

Today I went with Jake to set up a project for his Statistics class. He is going to give ppl a bunch of logic tests in the student lounge. Last I talked to him, it was going really well. He'll be gone most all day doing that, but he's gonna get a KILLER grade from it, I'm sure.

I've had weird dreams the last few nights. Last night I dreamed I was talking to the soccer team Mom and she told me that she and her husband liked to go on vacations and watch lots of porn together. I was SHOCKED! LOL. Then I dreamed that I met Josh from American Idol and he had bleached his hair blonde. He was kinda a butt to me too. I have weird dreams in the luteal phase, I really do. When I'm pregnant, they get outta control.

Tomorrow is the appt with the dr to see what's up with my HORMONES! Yippee!

Update

2004-10-24T08:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a pretty good day. We went to Kyle's soccer game. Jake helped coach (it totally turns me on when he does that). After that, we went up to Jake's family's branch for the groundbreaking ceremony for their new building. They won't have to go to church in trailers anymore!

Jake went and helped his dad move a woman from church to her new house. I rode Logan around on the 4-wheeler. We went with my nephews and Kyle to the pond and fed the fish. My nephew, Adam, showed me where a copperhead hangs out alot. That child has no fears. If I had seen a copperhead, I wouldn't ever go back to the pond again. No joke.

Jake and his mom watched their football games (they bond over sports and it's funny to watch). I was VERY tired and fell asleep for an hour before I knew it. Later on, I had some horrible stomach episodes. I either had food poisoning or a BAD virus. We came home, and even though I had a ton of house work to do, I went straight to bed. It was restless sleep though until after midnight. I was hot, then cold, over and over. Needless to say, I'm not going to church today. I'm keeping Logan home with me because he's been sniffly. Jake is going to take Kyle, I believe.

My mom is coming over today too. I'm looking forward to it. :D I need to get that housework done though, but my stomach keeps cramping. I was able to get a huge essay done this morning though. Since moving hurts my stomach, I'm able to get some of my more sedentary tasks done that I've been putting off.

That's about it. I'm looking forward to this day and having some rest with my family. I have a HUGE week coming up. I have my dr appt Tuesday and we are doing Halloween for THREE STRAIGHT DAYS (Thurs-Saturday). We have lots of parties to go to, LOL. I'm excited though. It's a fun holiday to spend with my kiddos. Brianna is going to do it one day with us. I'm so excited about that too. I love that girl.

2004-10-23T06:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got to my midterm early, and the professor let everyone who was there go ahead and start! WHOO HOO! So I was able to get done with everything in time to get home and ride to the celebration at Kyle's school with Jake and Logan. I was thrilled to have rearranged my day so that I could get everything done and still make it in time for Kyle's thing. It was great, his school is so amazing and promotes such a great feeling of family and community. They also teach the kids to be accountable for their choices. So along with us doing that at home, I think Kyle will get it pounded into his head quite well! ROCK ON!

The state of GA provided us with lots of food and drinks. We had a huge picnic at the park across from Kyle's school too. It was so funny, the news reporter from the local station was there and she just went nuts saying how much Kyle looks like the little boy on Jerry Maguire. I hadn't thought of that since he's only had his glasses for a little while, but he REALLY DOES! He talks a little like him too. I'm so proud of that boy. I'm a proud mommy, what can I say?

Today we have a soccer game. I'm providing snacks and drinks too. Jake is going too. How fun! The weather is right back to being very warm again. It can never make up it's mind this time of year in southern Georgia. I had Logan on Thanksgiving night in 2001. I had to bring him home in a ONESIE because it was so hot and all I'd brought was fuzzy cold weather outfits. Then at his first birthday party, I had to bundle him up because it was FREEZING! THEN last year, at his second birthday party, it was very mild and comfy for his party at the family farm. We didn't even have to wear long sleeves when we took everyone on 4-wheeler rides. So who knows what it's going to be like this year.

I've already done some schoolwork this morning. Sometime today I need to write a paper. No fun! Oh well, I gotta keep a C or better to keep financial aid. It's always nice to make money when ya go to school. Gotta love the state of GA Hope Scholarship so I can pocket the rest of the money.

Some adjustments to make my day easier

2004-10-22T10:33:00.000-07:00

I took Kyle to the lab and to class this morning. The kid amazes me when it comes to math. He's moved on to subtraction, and he doesn't even have to think about it before he comes up with the correct answer. He definitely has a strength with numbers. When I took him to class, each child had their own special tshirt for the day on their desk. It was so cute. Every child in the school got a free tshirt commemorating the 2004 Blue Ribbon Award the school won. I can tell the kids are just giddy from excitement. I helped some of the children put on their tshirts. Then I went to the gym. It felt good to work out. I think since I'm doing harder work on the machines, I'm going to alternate days to work out. Three days a week for such an intense workout should be efficient.

Anyways, as I was leaving the gym, I called the dr's office and asked if they could work me in this morning since I just had to get my blood drawn. They said to come on in, thank goodness! So I did and nobody else was there, not even the dr. Dee took my blood and I scheduled an appt for Tuesday to talk to the dr about the results. (They'll be in SOMETIME on Monday, and I don't want to schedule the appt for a time when they're not in yet, so Tuesday will work better :)) Dee was extremely sweet to me, we're getting to know each other quite well now. LOL. It's nice to know I have people in my corner helping me to get pregnant.

Then I came home. Jake met me when I came in and whispered for me to come back and see something. We tiptoed back to the kids' room. Logan was sitting at the computer playing the Jumpstart Kindergarten game with ease. We just stared, amazed at how much he has picked up from his brother. He fills in the letters for words and sounds them out with the game. I tell you what, he's going to be reading right along with Kyle. I told Jake Logan can navigate a computer better than my mother and he laughed because he knows it's true.

So Logan and Jake are napping (Jake's exhausted from staying up because of that police chase crap last night). I'm leaving soon for the school. I'm so anxious to get this test over with. I know I'll do fine on it, it's just getting it out of the way that stresses me. I also need to go to the school computer lab to see if I remember my logon for their computer network. It would suck if I got into the test and realized then I didn't know it.

So that's my morning in a nutshell. Everything's turning out alot better than I'd thought it would today, so I'm pleased.

So Stinkin' Sleepy

2004-10-22T07:08:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired. I can hardly see straight.

Jake and I watched some fun shows on VH1 last night (I Love the 70s, 1979 was one of them. So fun!). I fell asleep and was doing great in my slumber until, around 10:30pm, Jake walked in our room. I woke right up, and he said "Get to the boys' room right now.". I could tell he was serious, so I did. The kids were asleep, of course, but I just sat in their dark room, wondering what was going on.

A few minutes later, Jake walked back down the hallway. Apparently, he had heard the dogs next door barking and looked outside. He saw people with flashlights so that worried him. Then we walk to the living room and looked outside. There were a few police officers out there. Jake went out there and asked them what's going on. They said a guy was running from them and ran right through our backyard! MY GRACIOUS! I guess he jumped the fence and the creek. I hope he did anyway. There's no way my kids are going in the backyard today though. I know that there's little chance he's still there, but I'm not taking any chances!

I have so much to do today, and after all that, I'm exhausted. Jake couldn't fall back to sleep until 1am. He was on "alert" mode, I guess. I'm so glad he was home though! If it wasn't his vacation week, he would have been at work.

Anyway, I am going to take Kyle to school and go to the Computer Lab with him. I feel badly that I can't go to the National Blue Ribbon celebration this afternoon with him, I'm trying to make up for it :(. Kyle's school won a national award for being in the top 10% of schools. Anyway, there's going to be cheerleaders and state educational leaders and free food and lots of fun things at the park across from his school at 1pm. HOWEVER, I have a mandatory midterm at 12pm and a fertility test at the dr at 1:45. So I doubt I'll make it :( I'm so sad. Jake's going, bless his heart, and he's excited to do it. I just wish I could be there. :( :( I don't know HOW working moms do it. I really don't. I'm going to be away today for three hours MAX, and I am just stressing about it.

I'm going to have to go to the gym after I take Kyle to school. I need to stretch my back out and nothing does it like those strength machines. I'll take my computer science book with me and study while I work out.

I have so much to do, which I usually like, but today is one of those rare days I just want to stay home and snuggle up to my boys and do nothing else. :(

My Mouth Hurts

2004-10-21T15:22:00.000-07:00

*whine*

We had to go to the dentist today. It was my first cleaning in a very long time. It took us forever to be able to afford and then get dental insurance. If I never see one of those PICKS again, it'll be too soon. Owwww.

Logan is sick. I guess he was the one coughing this morning, bless his heart. He's been lying around all afternoon. He just wants to drink milk and juice and watch Dora the Explorer. Poor little thing.

I'm making Funeral Potatoes. I've never had them, but I hear very good things about them. Ought to be interesting. Anything involving cheese, sour cream, and potatoes will be a winner in my book, I'm sure.

Ta ta!

2004-10-21T06:00:00.000-07:00

*yawn*

Good morning!

It's Thursday already? WOW!

My temp rose really well this morning. For a while, I was thinking this might actually be an annovulatory cycle, but now I think everything's alright. Thank goodness I'll know FOR SURE after tomorrow's bloodwork. Too bad it's on a Friday and I have to go all weekend waiting for the results. It's ok though, lots to do.

I hear Kyle coughing pretty badly in his room. I wonder if he's even going to school today. I'll make that decision after he gets up and I see how he does once he gets going. Poor thing. I wonder if he got any good sleep.

That's about it. Nothing exciting to report, but sometimes that's a good thing.

Mah po back!

2004-10-20T10:47:00.000-07:00

My back is really hurting still. The night was very long and fitful because I just was in PAIN. Oh well. I still had to get up and start my day at the same time no matter what, that's the life of a mommy. Anyhow, I went to the gym this morning and did the treadmill. I also started on some of the strength machines. I ought to feel it tomorrow, for sure. I like those alot because they'll cause RESULTS... I hope.

I watch Brianna today. I need to get a haircut. So does Jake. But I just don't think we're going to get to that today. Maybe tomorrow. Thank goodness this is Jake's week off.

2004-10-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

It rained all morning and is now sunny and pretty. Since the fields are wet, however, soccer practice is cancelled for tonight. That's ok with me, we have lots we're doing today. We're going to get some things for the house, a few ceiling fans and a blind for the living room. It's about time we do a few things around here, and with Jake having this week off, it's a good time to go ahead and do it.

My back is all out of whack. Jake's coworker was calling all night to ask Jake questions *grr* so I slept on the couch. It never used to bother me, but now it SO does. Something's got to give here because I can't lift Logan or do laundry. Logan's going to feel neglected and we're going to be wearing dirty clothes if something doesn't fix this. Of course it happens in the 2ww so I'm scared to take anything stronger than Tylenol for it. I can't go to a chiropractor since I have no lubrication in my joints *^%$^ arthritis* so I'm stuck. Done whining now. Thanks.

Kyle has early release today so it's almost time to run and do our errands. I'm so glad the weather cleared up!

2004-10-19T06:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was very nice and peaceful. Jake took Logan and Kyle out to breakfast on the way to Kyle's school. That gave me lots of time to do schoolwork and clean up the house. It's nice to get all of that out of the way. I also got some exercising in. It seems that I get the most results from muscle strengthening. The way I see it, my life is a cardio event. I don't really have to go anywhere or do anything extra to get my heartrate elevated for a half hour a day. Nope. So I'm back to my squats, pushups, and weightwork. Boy can I feel it! But it's a good thing. I needed it.

Brianna came too. But about noon, her mother called and said that Brianna's dad is extremely sick. He also has a lifethreating condition where his body doesn't absorb some critical nutrients, like potassium. Anyhow, she came by and picked up Brianna because she got the day off. I'll be watching her tomorrow through Friday though. Sounds good to me.

Kyle came home from school and we did homework and then Family Home Evening. We read from the Friend Magazine and I played one of his Primary songs, which we sang together. Then Kyle said the closing prayer. All in all, it was about 15 minutes, but I think he learned something. Logan just fluttered around like a butterfly.

Speaking of Logan, he came up to me yesterday and said "MOM! H-O-M-E!". The child is learning to read right along with Kyle. It's crazy.

I'm taking Kyle to computer lab this morning. He loves spending that time together, and I can tell a difference in his grades when we do that on a regular basis.

Jake got his tests back yesterday. He made an 84 on Calculus and 88 on statistics. He's a math wizard.

Time to get ready to go!

Aw

2004-10-19T02:55:00.000-07:00

I was peacefully eating my Kimbot and Top Bulgogi when I heard Jake call from the bedroom, "Stace, come look at this tiny baby!". I ran back, thinking he was talking about an animal on National Geographic or something. Nope.

He was watching A Baby Story. On his own. And he was getting mushy squishy about the baby on there.

It's definitely time for fertility testing.

A rant, a vent, a tantrum, whatever you want to call it...

2004-10-18T13:24:00.000-07:00

I love my friend, Arwen, to pieces. She is one of my favorite people in the entire world. Last night she said something to me that irked me. The only way I can put it behind me is to write about it and look at it rationally in black and white.

I was talking to her about our fertility testing plans, etc. She was very supportive... and then she said IT. She said "Well we all have our trials. I get pregnant TOO easily. Either way, it's hard."

Arwen doesn't believe in the pill. If she did, she would go on it and perhaps wouldn't get pregnant so easily.

I do not mean to sound this bitter, but please do not lump an accidental miracle in with the agony of splitting your life into two categories: waiting to (oh my gosh, I hope I do) ovulate, and the two week (maybe only 9 1/2-10 days if I get the right hpt and hold my pee for at least 4 hours) wait. Perhaps she sees it as a struggle because she's never had a chance to get her body back. But look what she has to show for it: 4 of the most well behaved and well adjusted children I've ever seen. She does an unbelievable job with those kids... The surprise pregnancies with them all was a miracle, a blessing... She peed on 4 sticks, got two beautiful solid lines on every one of them, and never looked back.

Arwen, if for some reason you ever do read this, I'm already over it. I'm crazy, neurotic, hormonal and a bit insane. If, for some reason, another "surprise" comes your way, I will be more than excited for you and for Jason. You guys are awesome parents and deserve all the wonderful blessings you can handle.

On the OTHER hand, let me record for posterity's sake something SO nice that Arwen DID say so that readers of this will not have a bad taste in their mouth for her. I was joking around that if I do get to the point of needing Clomid or something, I might end up producing 5 babies at one time. She laughed and said "If something happens and that really does end up being the case, I can't think of anyone more deserving and capable to handle multiple babies!". She's a really good friend. Hey, we all slip up and say stupid things now and then, don't we?

*sniff*

I'm so crazy with these mood swings. I'm glad to have a BLOG to write everything down in so I can feel good again.

:D

I'm a rulebreaker, I know...

2004-10-18T00:28:00.000-07:00

This morning, Logan got up at 4am for some milk. I thought it was later so I went ahead and temped. It was really low at 97.3. When I realized how early it was, I went back to bed for a few more hours. When I got up THEN, it was 98.4. I went ahead and recorded that one. Perhaps it's breaking the rules, but with my cm and opk, I really believe I O'd already and I don't want my temps to reflect otherwise.

It's one of those sleepy days. Overcast but warm. I think I'll take a nap today at some point. But usually once I really get ready for one, it's time to go get Kyle. That's ok. I like the little bespectacled cutie.

A Day Like None Other...

2004-10-17T19:14:00.000-07:00

Today was good, I must say. I had an attack of the Beotchies this morning and wanted badly to skip church and stew in my bad attitude. I pulled myself out of it and went for the sake of the kids, if nothing else. The day was pretty good. I was the *only* Primary teacher who showed up, so I got to teach everyone from age 3-7. GOODIE! ;) I only sent two children to their mothers. One got an attitude adjustment and came back and was good... The other, I didn't see again. Mm hmm.

We got home and I passed out on the couch for a few minutes. We had a big meal and were going to have Family Home Evening but our friends from Birmingham surprised us at the door. Actually, it was just the guy and the two sons, the mother and two daughters stayed in Alabama for the day. But it's been nice, we're all such good friends. He called his wife and talked to her for a minute and then I took the phone and talked to her for a loooong time. It's nice. I really wish they still lived here. :( I think I've convinced her to do a Pampered Chef party here though. FUN!

My ovary is aching, which is weird cuz I'm sure I already O'd. Strange. I even did one last OPK today and it was very negative, just like it gets right after I spring forth an eggie. Interesting. Maybe it's just sore from releasing multiple ova this month and I'll have lots of fat little babies in nine months. One can dream, right?

Holy Temp Spike!

2004-10-17T07:24:00.000-07:00

I've never had quite the temp spike that I had today. It ends my endless obsessing.... Until tomorrow morning when I temp again.

So today's church. Kyle has a talk in Primary and I don't remember what the topic is. I need to figure it out. If I can't, we'll just go with a generic talk and they'll be glad he at least has something.

My back is out today. I don't know what's up with it. It's the lower part and I can't bend over or anything. NOT a good thing for the Sunbeam (3-5 year old) teacher to get, that's for sure. I may be asking for a lot of help today.

2004-10-16T15:33:00.000-07:00

Now I'm paranoid. I got what I thought was a positive OPK last night. Did my blurry eyes deceive me? Today it is negative, and I usually get two positive days in a row. I want to bang my head in frustration... but I'll wait until tomorrow to see if my temp rises. If not, the banging will begin.

Yes... there's more...

2004-10-16T14:57:00.000-07:00

I've had too much time on my hands today to just think. I'm glad I started this blog so I can emotionally spew and then move on. I'm not one who frequently dwells on things if I can just get it out. Seeing it in black and white is also helpful because I can get my mental bearings on things and figure out what I'm going to do to get past whatever's perplexing me. So if anyone's actually reading this, I'm not a nut... well not completely. I just need somewhere to write things out because I'm not much of a talker either. Not about feelings anyhow.

I found this in a friend's online diary:

Prolonged infertility causes people to anticipate loss. It convinces them that their bodies do not work right and it heightens their awareness of what miracles conception, pregnancy, and childbirth really are. Those who do become pregnant after infertility are likely to expect -- or at least to worry -- that the pregnancy will go the way of all their failed conceptions. For them a positive pregnancy test brings nine months of fear and anxiety. Infertile women often feel bewildered when they first learn that they are pregnant.Even those that say they know the moment they conceived feel a sense of disbelief when the pregnancy test is positive. They spend the first trimester checking for blood, feeling for breast tenderness, and waiting for the first sign of nausea. Many worry that they feel "too good" and interpret any twinge or tickle as a sign that something has gone wrong. If you are pregnant after infertility, don't be surprised to find that the hours crawl by during those first weeks. Infertile women are never a month or two pregnant; they are three weeks and two-and-one half days along, or six weeks, one day, and one hour pregnant. You may find also that you resent the confidence that your fertile friends seem to have about their pregnancies. They are able to assume that their pregnancies will go well and seem strangely unaware of all that could go wrong!!!!

**************

I'm having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that I am an infertility patient now. I am glad to be starting the testing that I need, but there is a stigma with the word "infertile". I also never expected it to be this hard on me given I do have two children already. Once again, I was completely wrong. I desperately want baby #3, and knowing the joys and blessings of a baby firsthand makes it even harder on me. Thank goodness I have the joys and blessings of the boys I already have, though. That part does make it easier on me than my childless (for now) counterparts.

I wonder what the next few months will bring. Who knows. I'm nervous and having somewhere to write about it will help (hopefully).

Blog blog blog... that's a fun word

2004-10-16T08:30:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd see what this whole BLOG thing was all about.

We start all the fun fertility testing on Friday. I'm afraid of what they'll find, and I'm afraid of what they won't find. I have a big inkling I'm gonna get the old "We can't figure out what's wrong, just keep trying..." speech. Hopefully, though, I'll get the "You're pregnant this month, forget the testing" speech. What a pain.

I figured a new blog would be a good thing to do to keep record of all that we find out... or don't find out. We shall see.

Until later...