Barf CITY

The nausea has turned into all-out puking now. I'm REALLY not that concerned at all about miscarriage at this point. The dry heaving turned into a morning puke and nausea for the rest of the day, and now the throwing up has gotten more constant and lasting more into the day. My phobia of going to public places is back, I remember it now from when I was pregnant with my boys. I remember now why I said I was never going to have another baby. BUT I also remember what it's like to desperately want one.

A better morning :)

I got up in the middle of the night and drank a glass of juice and that really seemed to have helped my morning. While I had a few mild waves of nausea, I've been keeping everything down so far. I know I haven't even reached the point where I started to get sick with the other two so I'm not kidding myself and thinking I'm escaping it, but today's been a nice reprieve. I've also got the killer head cold from hell that I ALWAYS get during pregnancy too. Oh well. Only eight more months, right? I'm so glad I saw the little squirt onscreen last night. I'll write about that in just a sec...

Today I've started on my English project (finally!). Poor Kyle forgot his glasses because we were running late for school this morning. So I went home and got them for him. When I walked into his classroom to take them to him, he looked at me with such love. I don't think he thought I'd really go all the way home and bring them back. He's such a good boy when he feels accepted and loved.

Anywho, last night. WHAT a night it was. I'd met Jake at our friends cyber cafe where he likes to hang out sometimes. He had gone to get Kyle from school and gone there. By the time I'd gotten there, Kyle was done with his homework, so that was a nice break for me. We had dinner at Quiznos and spent time together as a family. It was a nice way to pass the time.

Finally, I went to the dr's office. I was quite early but it was nice to sit and vegetate alone. I gathered my thoughts and strength just in case the news wasn't necessarily good. I'd read online that 5 1/2 weeks is really iffy when it comes to ultrasounds... It's good to see a sac and fetal pole, but most of the time there's no heartbeat onscreen because it's so tiny. So I wasn't really excited to see much onscreen and I was really kind of wondering why I was even getting the thing done if there wasn't going to be much to see. But that was just my overactive, cynical pregnant mind running amuck.

There was THE most annoying redneck family ahead of me. They couldn't stop going outside to smoke and they had bad smokers' coughs and just couldn't stop laughing. It really REALLY bothered me. Their daughter/sister/wife's ultrasound took forever too, so that made me feel more pissy.

Finally, they were gone and it was my turn! YAY!

I went back and immediately told the tech, "I'm only 5 1/2 weeks, I don't think you'll see much!". I laid down on the table and she put the gel on my tummy and looked around. We immediately saw a big old blob. She explained that was the corpus luteum, which is actually an ovarian cyst that grows during pregnancy to provide the growing baby with nutrients, etc, until the placenta takes over in the second trimester. Interesting indeed.

Then she scooted the thing over and we saw a tiny little black blob. That was the sac! YAY! Charlotte, the tech, told me to go to the bathroom and come back and we'd do an internal u/s to get a closer look at the baby. BONUS!

So I did so, and we got going on that, and immediately saw a little pulsation in the middle of the blob. It was the sweetest little wiggly blob I've ever seen. :) She did the measurements, etc, and said little sweetpea is a day ahead of schedule, making my due date July 8 now. RAH! I can hope for a June baby for sure!

I'm excited and relieved. I know that I'm not out of the woods till this baby is out of me, but seeing a heartbeat is a huge milestone in any pregnancy, and I'm counting my blessings for being able to see it so early.

Morning Sickness!

I've been feeling nauseated x 1000 for days now, and today was the first time I actually threw up. I welcomed it though, I'm not gonna complain a bit. I know it's a very good sign that I might actually stay pregnant this time. :)

Logan had come to lie down with me, and he was snuggling up really close like he always does, and WHAMMO, I had to get to the bathroom quickly. I woke up twice during the night with severe waves of nausea, so I'm not surprised all that much.

This evening at 7:30pm ET, I have my first ultrasound. I'm pretty confident everything will be fine after the symptoms I've shown. My mother told me that with all but one of her miscarriages she had NO pregnancy symptoms at all, so this all makes her feel better. The one that she did have symptoms with was a little boy she carried to nearly 20 weeks. They never really figured out what happened with him though. :( Very sad.

Today is my little sister's 21st birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHANIE!

Feeling wonderfully horrible

While I haven't thrown up or had full blown nausea yet, I've noticed I have to get out of bed very slowly or I get that lump in my throat that indicates I may toss my cookies. Let's cross our fingers and hope this is a good indicator. The phantom pee is still going on too. Each day, I gain a little more confidence in this pregnancy, because each day my symptoms get a little more intense. Alot of people would laugh that I'm welcoming this, but it means something right is finally going on with my old body, and that is exactly what I want.

My emotions are all over the place. I suppose this should make me feel good: a good sign of pregnancy. I fell asleep twice today in deep sleeps with twitches and dreams and everything. I can't stop peeing and I'm feeling twinges that there is activity in my abdomen.

However, I'm still terrified.

The mornings are the best. I wake up, thrilled I've made it another day on the gestation ticker. But as the day goes on, the trips to the bathroom to check for blood wear on me... The cautious tones of loved ones when they regard this pregnancy plague me. No more happy-go-lucky comments about "How's the little one?" or anything like I experienced with the boys. Instead, if they say anything it's with fear in their voice that only transcends to me. The dr didn't give me my "New Mommy Packet" at my first prenatal appt either... Just a "Come back on Tuesday for an ultrasound to take a look to see if anything is there...". *sigh*

I lost a child 5 months ago. Of course it was only a half inch long, but it was mine. Now I've got another chance at that child and I'm doing my best not to freak and scream and cry every second, worried that history will repeat itself. Every twinge I feel, no matter how normal I logically know it is, is the beginning of another miscarriage to me. I constantly poke my poor boobs to see if they're still sensitive. Oddly, I pray for the day I wake up and run to the bathroom to puke. It can't get here soon enough.

I've gone ahead and prepared myself for the worst. I don't want that room-spinning, mind-numbing experience I had with the miscarriage when I saw blood. This may seem negative and sinister, but it's the only way I can survive... and each bloodless bathroom experience is a true miracle to me that I don't take for granted.

I have all sorts of logic and hormone levels and a closed cervix to reassure me... But I really don't think I'm going to feel any sort of relief until this baby is out of me, healthy and screaming, and in my arms.

Everything went fine at the dr yesterday. He was wise and said we'd put an u/s off till Tuesday because while he THINKS there would be something to see on u/s, he would be afraid to take that gamble. He said if by some reason it was just a bit too early to see something, it would make me worry even more. So I'm happy he didn't provide me with any more stress than I already have. He took at look at my cervix and said it's nice and closed and shows no sign of bleeding. We're doing another progesterone check at my appt next week. So that's that. He said as of right now, everything is looking good. Just hearing the dr say that eased my fears SO much. I'll be 5 weeks tomorrow and each week is a milestone to me!

Last night, I finally slept. My nerves have been keeping me up at night, and the dr's confidence in the pregnancy so far calmed me SO much that I slept like a DEAD woman. Logan got me up a little past normal time and it was so hard to get up. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I'm ok now though.

I'm taking Kyle to school this morning and then Logan and I are making a Target run. Brianna comes later this morning too.I was reading in one of my books that earlier this week, my baby got a heartbeat! Too tiny to see on u/s, of course, but it's there. How fun is that. I feel like this is the first time I've ever been pregnant.

We're going to go ahead and tell Jake's parents this weekend. The family is getting together for my baby niece, Abigail's, blessing at church. I didn't want to steal Abigail's thunder, but her mom wants us to tell so bad, probably because she doesn't want to keep the secret any longer than she has to. I went ahead and told her because I'd been keeping her updated on the fertility testing, etc.

I have to pee so much and when I go, hardly anything comes out. I thought I'd lie down on the couch and rest while Logan and Brianna played. I ended up falling asleep for nearly an hour! I hope all these are just great signs that everything is progressing well with this pregnancy. I'm dreading the ultrasound on Tuesday, but if it'll give me peace of mind of some sort, bring it on!

More of the update...

So, I'm still pregnant. I passed the point I miscarried so that was a huge sigh of relief. Every time I go to the bathroom and there's no blood, it's a victory. Needless to say, I'm nervous, but when I pray, I get a sense of peace. So I know I'm not alone.

My other diary is being a pill and won't pull up... So I'm just going to have to update what happened on Monday AGAIN. It's ok though, because it was a joyful surprise.

Since we'd started the fertility testing the week before, I was totally in the mode of getting Jake's SA test done, etc, so we could move on to my HSG to check for blockages in my tubes. That, along with Kyle's Halloween social life, really distracted me. Since I'd started my previous cycle in the middle of the night, I wasn't EXACTLY sure whether to expect this month's on Saturday or Sunday... Or Friday if I had a 27 day cycle again. So it was all questionable. I knew from charting my bbt that I'd ovulated on October 16, so that was extremely helpful.

Well, my cycle never came. On Sunday morning I was totally expecting it because my boobs were sore and I was cramping like a beast. But nope. Nothing. My friends on the TTC boards were telling me to get a test and see what happened, but from getting false faint positives in the past, I was wary. Plus it was Sunday, and I didn't want to offend God. Not at that critical point. ;) We did our Primary Program, which distracted me quite well (lol) and then I went home and slept the afternoon away, assuming it was exhaustion from the program.

Monday morning. Still nothing. I took Kyle to school and went to the nearby Walmart. I had to get a few things and grabbed a pack of hpt too. What the heck at that point. I was 16 dpo. Logan and I checked out and I was going to head home, but the extreme urge to pee hit me so we went potty in Walmart. We squished into a little stall together and I did my thing. The bathroom was dim, but even with the poor lighting, the second line came up immediately. In fact, it used almost all of the dye so the control line was hardly there. AWESOME sign for sure. I laughed giddily the whole way back out to the van and got Logan into his carseat and called Jake. He was cautiously excited at that point, knowing we'd gotten positive tests before and it be false. But I told him how dark it was this time and he sounded a bit more hopeful.

I went straight to the dr. I knew Monday is a busy day at my obgyn, but he told me after the second miscarriage to haul my butt right in as soon as I get any positive hpt so we can run a blood beta test and progesterone levels. So that is what I did.

I bypassed the waiting room and receptionist and went straight back to the lab area where Dee was. Dee is the tech who weighs ya, does blood pressure, and takes your urine and blood samples. In the past, I've not been too thrilled by Dee's attitude because she seemed less than supportive of me. I feel badly now for thinking bad thoughts about her, because she was so nice this time. I showed her my test and she said for me to go to the potty and get her a sample so she could run one too. I had very little pee left :), but I got out some. She ran the test. I walked over as she read the results. TWO BEAUTIFUL DARK LINES! I yelled, "Praise God!" (I'm southern and don't hide it) and she said "Can we dance now?" and started to do a dance of joy. Bless her heart.

The dr's office worked me right in, bless THEIR hearts because they were busy. The dr came in and said "Well I didn't expect to see you in here again this soon!". He went on to say, "The first thing I thought when I saw this is that your husband is going to kill me because he had to have his testing done...". I told him Jake hadn't even done it yet because we were going to make sure this cycle was a bust before he did it. The dr told me we'd run the bloodwork, see how it looked, and continue to do so until my hcg levels reach 2000 and then we'll start regular ultrasounds to keep an eye on my little baby. :D

So Dee, my new best friend, took my blood. Logan thought it was fascinating. The whole time I'd been talking to the dr, he'd been sticking chewing gum in his mouth that he'd gotten out of my bag. I pulled the big old wad out and was amazed he hadn't choked on it. Little weirdo. He was energetic to say the least, but it was an unexpected trip to the dr on the day after Halloween, what else should I expect?

Anyway, that was that for Monday pretty much.

On Tuesday, yesterday, I got my results from my bloodwork. My hcg (pregnancy hormone) level was THROUGH the roof! The average for 16 dpo is 200 or so. Mine was 1672! My progesterone was slightly low at 16, but the dr seems ok with it. I go back to see him tomorrow and I'm going to see if he'll put me on some supplements just to make me feel better mentally. I have an ultrasound next Tuesday as well. I don't know how much they'll see given I'll only be 5 1/2 weeks along, but we'll see.

I'm excited and a bundle of nerves at the same time. I'm taking every prayer I can get, so anyone reading this, PLEASE say a prayer for me and the little one! THANK YOU!

BIG UPDATE!

I'm pregnant! I've been keeping up on my diary elsewhere that I need to copy on here. That's all I have time to put right now, but needless to say, we're very thrilled.